For 38 years, Nomzekelo Siko, 59, of Willowvale lived in a childless marriage.
Emotionally she felt hammered by two issues — the ache she felt about her dream of children being denied by her internal biology, and the hurtful discrimination she faced from people in the community who judged her for being barren.
It took every fibre in her body to keep going, but today as she holds her book, Resilient Hearts: Navigating a Childless Marriage, she can say with confidence that in its pages are the answers as to how she has survived a social and personal hellfire.
She will be telling her story at the Eastern Cape Provincial Book Fair at Bush Christian Camp from October 3-5 (call 083-335-9479).
She says the struggle was largely silent but emotionally violent — her body, her faith, and even her loving marriage were tested to breaking point.
She admits to being scarred by personal disappointment and whispers of cruel nastiness in the social air.
But, she says, God was with her. And her sisters helped too.
She said the years had been heavy. Prayers felt unanswered, she craved the sound of a child’s laughter.
The silence from the community was crushing. She knew that her culture came with expectations of motherhood.
But, with God’s help, she said she clawed her way back into her life to a point where she believed hope for women like herself was available to be discovered and that life was not defined by motherhood alone. And couples could stand strong in the face of heartbreak and stigma.
She said the book was a personal memoir and a mirror to society. It questioned the views that a woman who did not bear children was to be blamed, shamed and cast out.
The act of writing the book opened her mind and allowed her to go beyond the pain to uncover a new resilience and a new love of her faith.
These new positives led her on to feel confident that faith endures, love survives and a new resilient voice now speaks life into others walking the same difficult path.
Her book was both a wound and a healing balm. In composing and writing down her experiences, she was able to clearly expose the cruelty of societal expectations, while finding a new courage and hope to share with every couple who struggles in the silent horrible morass of negativity.
She was emphatic: couples without children have a right to enjoy a rich and meaningful life.
Recounting her life before the book, she said the constant emotional turmoil had plunged her into a three-and-half-year depression.
Despite these struggles, she found strength through the support of her in-laws, especially her mother-in-law. They had all formed a protective circle which gave her support and a sense of stability in her marriage.
She praised her close circle of friends who shared their stories and struggles. Together, they cried, prayed, and supported one another during moments of emptiness and despair.
These friendships were vital to her healing process.
Spiritually, she said she turned to God, and accepted Jesus as her lord and saviour, attended church groups that discussed relationships. She immersed herself in scripture.
Faith in God became her anchor in her darkest times. Scripture, the word of God, restored her soul and gave her strength to struggle on.
The book enables her to share valuable lessons with couples facing similar issues.
She told of her experiences of consulting gynecologists for seven years and turning to traditional healers, all of which drained her financially and emotionally — and without success.
Her message was to avoid empty promises and instead to place trust in God.
She said the Bible contained stories of women who could not conceive, yet God intervened and uplifted their lives.
Life without children did not mean life was over. God had other purposes for everyone.
“In one of these pages, you will find that there’s a saying (in the Bible) — “there’s beauty in the brokenness”. I have seen this. Yes, I was hurt, I was broken, I was in turmoil, I was aggravated.
“But sometimes I come to this: if it was not for that scenario of not having children, I would not have written this book.
“The fact that I didn’t have children gave me a chance to read, to learn, to engage in many courses. Today, I’ve have an honours in education.”
Her advice to couples facing marital struggles was not to hyper focus on one painful aspect of life.
Quoting Jeremiah 29:11, she said God had good plans for everyone.
They might not be dependent on marriage or children but were uniquely designed for each individual.
Siko said her view of marriage had evolved. She now saw marriage as a pure institution established by God, and not solely about love or children.
Citing Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, she said God created marriage to be a divine union and that there were enemies who tried to disrupt it.
She urged readers of her book not to compete with others but to focus on their own journey.
“My hope is that readers will walk away with a deeper faith in God’s omnipotence. I want them to feel God’s presence and understand that he has created everyone with care and purpose.”
Go! spoke to Babalwa Ndunelisa who had read the book multiple times. She said Siko’s words deepened her faith and gave her strength.
“I see her relationship with Jesus as a symbolic marriage, with Christ as her spiritual husband. The book is very inspirational and that she shared her story for others to learn and be motivated by it makes me very happy.”
The book was published last year and she has sold 150 copies.
It costs R200.
Disclaimer: Siko was the reporter’s grade 4-7 English teacher at Jongintaba JSS in Willowvale from 2015 to 2018.
