LAURA RUNCHMAN
In SA, gender-based violence (GBV) is an epidemic, with one in three women subjected to some form of abuse in their lifetime.
Both men and women can experience GBV, though women and children are much more likely to be abused, typically at the hands of men and boys.
The high prevalence of GBV in this country, cutting across class, race and culture to influence every citizen in some form, means recognising the signs of abuse, assisting victims and preventing further violence is the responsibility of every South African.
Firstly it is very important that everybody knows the signs of GBV, which can take the following forms in adult or child victims:
- Fear of or loss of trust in a parent, caregiver or family member;
- Sudden and extreme changes in mood, such as increased anger or irritability;
- Fearfulness and excessive, constant crying;
- Extreme and inappropriate sexual activity or showing inappropriate interest in sexual subject matter relative to one’s age;
- Social isolation and fearing certain places or social situations;
- Nightmares and an inability to fall or remain asleep;
- Physical signs such as unexplained bruises, scratches or marks on the skin.
If a survivor of abuse decides to speak to you in confidence about their experiences, the most important thing you can do is believe them.
Survivors who are not believed are essentially “re-traumatised” as their account is picked apart or brushed aside by those they trust to help them.
[T]he most important thing you can do is believe them.
In turn, the survivor’s decision to approach someone for help and share their experiences with them requires extreme courage and not being believed can discourage the survivor and other victims from coming forward again.
Should a survivor confide in you, it is important that you do your utmost to listen to them with compassion, empathy and without judgment, while also assuring them that they are not alone and that support is available for them.
It would therefore be beneficial to know of any crisis or counselling centres and other resources of support that you could inform the survivor of, should they want to seek professional support.
Supporting survivors also means avoiding victim-blaming – by questioning the survivor on how they could have prevented the abuse.
Placing the blame on the survivor is extremely dangerous as it reinforces the feelings of shame that they are already likely experiencing and discourages them from reporting the abuse. Ultimately, this attitude prevents the abusers who are responsible for the survivors’ trauma from being held accountable and thereby contributes to continued violence.
Supporting survivors also means avoiding victim-blaming
GBV is never the fault of the survivor, no matter the circumstances in which the abuse is perpetuated.
The ways in which you help a survivor of GBV should be directed by the survivor themselves, and not imposed upon them.
Therefore, ask the victim what they need and what you can do to assist them.
Offering practical support, such as going with the survivor to the police station or hospital, and providing resources, such as connecting the victim with a counsellor at Masithethe Counselling Services that can provide psychosocial support, should be done with the survivor’s knowledge and permission and depend on their needs and desires.
This also means respecting the survivor’s boundaries, which would likely have been violated during the course of their abuse, and empowering them by providing them with the opportunity to make their own decisions.
Reporting the abuse to their local police station or Thuthuzela One Stop Centre is also a decision that the survivor should make, depending on what they believe is best for them.
It may also be helpful to regularly check up on the survivor, asking if there is anything you can do for them and reassuring them that you believe them and are available to support them when necessary.
Always remember it is never the victim’s fault, it is a crime to abuse a woman or child and the guilt, blame and shame should always be with the perpetrator.
Assisting survivors of GBV can also take the form of challenging the sexist and patriarchal beliefs that underlie the perpetuation of abuse.
Challenging those who use sexist language and engage in victim-blaming, as well as engaging in conversations with the men in your life about these issues, are important for planting seeds of change.
Always remember it is never the victim’s fault
An individual’s beliefs typically fuel their actions, so tackling harmful beliefs about gender-based violence can go a long way in addressing the high rates of abuse seen in SA.
It is also important for parents and caregivers to set good examples for the children in their care by, for instance, treating both girls and boys equally and educating boys about how women and girls should be treated.
Laura Runchman is a counsellor at Masithethe Counselling Services (formerly LifeLine East London), which has been offering confidential and free counselling since 1985.
Contact Masithethe on: 043-722-2000 or WhatsApp 084-091-5410. Email: admin@masithethe.co.za
